Here we go again… spilling it for you

Will I never get it over with? What’s wrong with me? I thought I was moving on but here are those feelings rushing back to me like they never left. Have they? My thoughts are collided and my feelings need to be revived but with noises that surround me, it’s hard. It’s hard for me to think straight, but not hard enough that I don’t know I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want it. I don’t want the tears I shed over this to exist anymore. I don’t want that sprinkle of hope that gets hit by disappointments. I don’t want to keep imagining because nothing is real. I don’t want to be charmed. I hate it. I hate when I fall for it every single time. I start to move on and just as I’m doing great it all rushes back to me: hope, memories, prays- and then realisation, pain, heartbreak, tears- millions of them. But I’m done with it. I’m done with the pain and I’m done with the constant letdowns and I’m done with the heavy feeling on my chest that won’t go away. It’s messing with my head and it’s playing with my feelings. And although it’s nobody’s fault, it has to stop. It will stop. I’m gonna make it stop. Cause I don’t want it anymore; I’ll let it go. Maybe from being fragile this will strengthen me. I’m thankful for this rollercoaster as I know it will help me become who I’m meant to be, but I’m putting it in the past. Because I’m ready to set myself free now. Because I want to set myself free now. I want to go to sleep and wake up with the knowledge that all this will be over soon, because I said so. I will forever cherish the memories and make new ones… except I’ll be happier than I was. Better- much much better than I was. I will not be held back. I will not have foolish thoughts with stars in my eyes. I will not guilt someone else. Someone who is one of the purest out there. Someone who I regret seeing guilt or sympathy when looking at me. Someone who made me want to become a better person. Someone who made me want to be good enough that I deserve him. Someone who I hope the best for…. because he is truly one of the best people I ever came across. Someone who I hope knows how genuinely great he is. And I’m letting go now. I’m letting go because I respect and love myself. I’m letting go because I respect and love that person. Because they say if you truly love someone let them go and if it’s meant to be they’ll come back in the end. So I’m letting go. And I’m going to live my life more freely now. I’m not going to take life so seriously. And I’m going to give because in the end it counts the most how much you made others happy. I’m going to be there for those who I care about. And I’m going to take risks. And I’m not going to hold back. And I’m going to be proud and grateful. And I’m going to be my complete and utter self. At all times. And I’m hopefully going to be happier.

 


See, I thought it was near the end when I wrote this but it obviously wasn’t. Again I found myself overwhelmed with my feelings so I did what I do best when I need to let it out: I wrote what I felt. Because some things I just don’t want to say out loud and talk to other people about, so I write them. I anyways wanted to write more posts in this way, so although it of course won’t always be about this specific topic, I will write more posts like this. And yeah, talking to you guys and letting you know how I feel is always amazing. I feel more open when I write about my thoughts and feelings, plus it really helps me feel better about the whole thing. And I guess that’s it for today’s post. Hope you have a great day. 💕

Rock on.

P.s. I mean in no way to offend anyone.

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