Do you ever wonder? I do…

Do you ever wonder? Because I do. I wonder a lot. I wonder if I’m on the right path or not. I wonder if there’s a happy ending to the story. Up until now, god’s plan hasn’t failed me. But still… I wonder. I wonder if I’m a lesson or a blessing, perhaps both? I wonder why I’m me and how I would have been if I was someone else. I ponder once I wake up and as I’m drifting to sleep, how lucky am I yet how scary it is. Sometimes I feel as though I’m living someone else’s life. This all is just too good to be true and it might go away in the blink of an eye. Every now and then I feel out of my body and in these moments I’m reminded that I’m a soul with a body not a body with a soul. This is all just temporary… life is just temporary… and that scares me, yet it fascinates me. I wonder if I only have one shot. One shot to get it right or slip and go down the wrong path. It is so irritating to be constantly asked by voices in my head if I’m right or wrong. For now though, I wonder what have I done to deserve such blessings. And I wonder how I can give back and repay them. Maybe I appreciate the good so much because I’ve seen the bad. Maybe the light is so bright because the darkness was so consuming. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen different shades of the dark that I’m now looking upon life with colourful eyes. Other storms are yet to come and I know that. And I am so utterly grateful for everything in my life. But as much as I’m grateful, I’m scared. Because what if they go away? What if one day I wake up and everything and everyone that once made me the happiest are swept away and I’m left with a confused mind and a wounded heart? I shouldn’t be worrying too much… I should be living in the moment and enjoying it, but I can’t help it; voices jump up and down and thoughts of doubt show up often. And still, through it all, I can’t believe how great god is. For the first time ever, my reality exceeded my dreams. I am so thankful for each and every heartbreak, for those who didn’t stick by me and for the pain I felt. Because if I was given what I wanted back then, I wouldn’t have been everything I am today and I wouldn’t have had everyone I have today. I am so thankful I held on and didn’t give up.


Happy Saturday loves! Last week I was a bit busy and demotivated and I didn’t publish a blog post :(( I took a well needed break but I’m now back and ready to cook some new content! I wrote this a day or two ago and even though I was a bit insecure about posting it I decided to just do it cause maybe it can help at least one person out there not give up. It’s all over the place, I know, but hey I tried. Have a great day everyone.

xx jana

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4 comments

  1. This is such a beautifully written post. Incredibly poetic and romantic. I often find myself waking up some mornings and wondering about my life, where it’s gone and where it’s going. It’s an exciting thing, life but also scary, knowing we have limitless choices and opportunities to become whoever we wish.

    Liked by 1 person

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