Opening up again, to be or not to be

I remember it clearly

Although I don’t want to

I’ve never felt so confused and hurt,

I’ve never felt such darkness,

Within me and around me.

It felt like I was being sucked into a world of pain

I remember tossing and turning in bed,

Crying and praying for the pain to end

I remember calling your name so many times,

It rolled off my tongue so easily and yet so painfully.

I wished you were with me

For I knew you were the only one who could’ve comforted me

I prayed for a miracle to save me

I prayed that it was all but a nightmare

I begged god for your return

I remember searching for my phone

When I thought I couldn’t do it anymore.

“How will I cope when this is only the first night of a war I was never ready to fight?”

I asked myself

I repeatedly called your name

Hoping for you to come and never leave again

I think it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through,

You not being there like you used to.

And now I’m standing on the edge

Wrapping ropes around myself,

trying my hardest not to fall

For it’s a long way down and I just came up

If I jump and I’m not caught

My pieces, that are yet to be brought back together, could be destroyed

I’m not ready for the risk

And yet something pulls me in

Am I healing or am I breaking

Should I run away or open up

Is this a lesson or blessing?

Can I read through the pages

And take a quick look to see what the next chapter holds for me?

Is this the same experience repeating itself to test me?

The voice inside is contradicting itself.

-Opening up again, to be or not to be


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